I was asked to blog about my biggest personal struggle thus far. This means opening up to all my readers, if any…Being an open book doesn’t come easy to me. Especially since I’ve gone through so much in the 23 years of living on this earth.

I had so many things running through my head. Which subject I wanted to write about… and then it hit me. One of the MAJOR things that formed the person I am today was growing up with an absent father.

Since it was Father’s Day yesterday I thought it was fitting.

To be honest, seeing all these Father’s Day posts on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter was tough for me. Its ALWAYS been tough. Reading the captions telling their Fathers, showing the world how much they love them to pieces made me a little jealous. Because I never had that. I wish I did. I wish WE did.

Growing up with a single mom, was…hard. She wasn’t always a single mom. My dad was around for about 10 years of my life. He was around, but he wasn’t a father or dad to us. He had his own agenda. I don’t have that many happy memories with my dad.

He was just there, he tried every once and awhile to interact with us. well maybe just my brother. However, when it came to my sister and I, it was different. He never cared about forming a relationship with us.

So growing up, I always had this image of what I father was. Absent, Angry and unhappy. Those are the words that I think of when I ever thought about dads. Pathetic right?

This feeling has lasted until recently. One of the BIGGEST issues Miguel and I ever argued about was letting go of that image I had in my head. How would our relationship ever grow if I didn’t let go of that?

Then I met Miguel’s dad. He was caring, nice, and selfless. That was something that shocked me. How was that even possible? To have a father like that?  To have someone do anything and everything for their children?

Such an easy concept for must of us. But for me it was like breaking through a brick door and just seeing all these things that I was missing out on.

I did not want this problem, my personal issue, to affect my relationship with miguel, or his relationship with our children. So slowly I started letting go. Letting go of this fear that I’ve had for 23 years.

The fear that Miguel would up and leave us. That I would have to relive what my mother had to go through. That I would have to bust my ass {excuse my language} every single day trying to raise my children alone without any help.

Now, I know, I can trust him, not every man is like my father. There is good men out there and I am blessed enough to call one of them my fiancé.

I am also blessed enough to have sons. Who will get to have that father figure in their lives. They won’t have their childhoods ripped to shreds. I will make sure that we raise them to be excellent young men, great additions to society, and amazing fathers.

The cycle ends here.

xoxo,

Heydy

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