You see me smiling through the camera. Laughing with my family and friends, Encouraging others around me.
But deep down inside all I want to do is rush to the bathroom and breakdown, let the tears flow. If I had the choice, I’d take to my room, curl up into a ball and sleep. Sleep all day and night, pretending that nothing is wrong.
I am a broken women.
Having gone through many trials in my young adult life, remembering all the things I’ve been through as a child. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse. I want to scream and I shout, “someone please help me!”.
Is anybody out there willing to listen ? Listen to me through a broken voice, while you watch the tears run down my face but all I see is my childhood self wipes tears away from her little face…. like everything is going to be ok.
Stay Strong. Be Strong. You ARE Strong, they say..
Growing up to be this women. who will not allow any man to help her because she trusts NO MAN. No man… because men, they are scary, untrustworthy and evil.
They don’t deserve me…..I am strong. I am strong.
Even after you’ve passed, the memories are still alive and well. I often wake up to nightmares of you, but when I realize it’s just a dream, I sigh a huge breath of relief.
I am safe.
Safe in the flesh but not in my head. My heart and soul aches for my childhood self, wishing that I could reverse time and start over, knowing that I can’t.
It’s time for acceptance.
Facing the truth about my childhood will be difficult. Sharing this with you is even more so. I am doing this for myself. It’s time for me to heal.