There are so many things running through my head as I type this post.

Why going through labour a third time isn’t a charm.

I’ve gone back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Should I even share how I feel about going through labour a third time? Or am I being a baby?

I envy all the mama’s who can watch themselves (on video) go through labour over and over again. Kudos to them for not cringing at the fact that a baby is coming out of their vagina.

Me on the other hand, I just want to fall asleep and wake up with the new baby in my arms. With no reminder of how excruciating giving birth vaginally is.

Let me preface the situation for you.

The first time I went through labour I was sixteen years old. Yes, you read that right, sixteen. I had no idea what to expect and was quite naive to the whole thing. I was adamant that I wasn’t going to ask for an epidural or for any medication. Though successful, I was definitely in for a rude awakening.

Read more about that here: Jayden’s Birth Story

The second time I gave birth, I was twenty three.

It had been seven and half years since going through labour the first time. I was mentally and psychically over it (or so I thought).

Of course, when I started going through active labour the second time around, I wanted to run for the hills. The words “let’s go home” come to mind.

Long story short, I ended up being extremely traumatized about how quickly my body laboured.

Now, two and half years after giving birth to Abel. I am scared shitless. You’re probably thinking “Heydy, it’s your third time, your baby is just going to slide out.”

Well, it’s those kind of comments that have gotten me to this point.

I don’t want the baby to “slide out”.  Because the intensity that comes with a quick labour isn’t so fun.

I’ve jinxed myself.

In fact, I have arguments with my conscious. I tell her that it’s all in her head. That she’ll be “just fine”. But some days, I think that she won’t be so lucky.

I’m losing sleep over it.

Staying up way past my bedtime because each day draws closer to my due date. Is that horrible?

Thinking about all the “what ifs”.

I’ve talked to my OBGYN and expressed my concerns. I have broken down in tears over it.

Though she has walked me through a lot of potential situations and outcomes. I haven’t fully made a decision if I want to go through a vaginal labour again.

Would scheduling a c-section be so bad? Will I be less of a women if I did? How do I keep myself from thinking these negative thoughts? How do I keep myself calm?

These are the questions that run through my mind as I lay in bed at night, forcing myself to stop thinking for the day.

I haven’t prayed for a long time and now I’m regretting it. I know that I’m strong warrior. I know I can do this, but…. do I have too?

Photography by: Julie Christine Photography

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  • Justine Y

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I say however the baby comes out is fine, whatever is best for momma and baby! Honestly though, every pregnancy is so different, you just never know what’s going to happen. And I wrote that to make you feel better, but I realize now it might make you feel worse… sorry…
    But really, after laboring four times I’m always surprised by how different each time is, but even so every time my body knows what to do and I’m left with a healthy baby as the outcome!

  • Joleen Pete

    I’m sorry you’re so anxious! I hope talking things through will help you make your decision. <3

  • Alyssa Funk

    Praying for you and that it all goes well and you can get some rest. You know what’s best for your body and how you feel. You’ve got this!

  • Cassie Garcia

    Awe mama I totally can see where your coming from! It’s so scary! I wouldn’t necessarily agree that a c section recovery is worse then vaginal labor. But every woman is different and ever labor is too, who know this could be that one time you give birth with more ease! Considering c section does not make you less of a woman either!

  • Shannon Marie

    Girl! You can TOTALLY do it! The recovery time of a C-section is way worse than the intensity of quick labor. Power through it – you’ve got this!

  • Raising Twincesses

    Oh mama! I’m so sorry to know that you’re losing sleep and worrying about labor with your third! You are so strong, you can do this! sending positive vibes your way! However you chose to have your baby all that matters is that you and baby are ok!!!!

  • Chalie Howes

    Definitely don’t ever want to relive my birthing through video! Oh my, no thank you. Whether it’s a slow labor or fast, your body knows what to do. It’s so strong and capable, and leading you to a new chapter in your life. We can never know how a birth will unfold, but now you have two very different experiences to draw knowledge from. I’ll be praying that this is a time of healing for you and peace will flood over you mama.

  • Kristen

    Girl I hear ya! I’m on #3 myself and all have been/will be a csection. The only advice I have is to pray and to pray hard and earnestly. God doesn’t care when the last time you prayed was! He loves you and wants you to lean on Him for strength. For my first csection I was terrified and then it was almost no big deal the day of and I think it’s bc I prayed so hard that I was able to overcome my fears.

  • Angel Hamilton

    Girl my first delivery sucked. Vaginal and terrible. I had so much pelvic damage that I could barely walk for a month. I’m totally getting the csection next time

  • I can’t say you’ll be fine because I’m having some of the same fears. I wouldn’t wish a csection delivery on my worst enemy though. It’s painful. And the pain lasts for weeks! I couldn’t do anything for myself for at least 3 days. Literally they wouldn’t let me pee alone. And once I was home, no driving, no stairs, all you can lift is the baby for days, weeks. And I have to do it all over again. I don’t get a choice to deliver vaginally.

  • Virjinia Harp

    I truly wish I had the words to say but I’ve never had a kid. Honestly though, it’s your body and because you haven’t had good experiences, I don’t see why a C-Section would be so bad. It’s good that you’ve expressed your concerns and I hope that you’ll be able to make a decision that sets your mind at ease.